Many people have a big fear of sharks, especially Great Whites. A lot of this comes from movies like Jaws – which is based on a number of attacks that really happened in New Jersey in 1916. Some people think that there are tons of sharks waiting to eat them if they venture out into the ocean, which is simply not true. Sharks rarely ever eat humans and are solitary animals. They either travel alone or in groups of two.

So E met someone recently. (Let’s call this person ‘X’.)

It has been about a week, and there are certainly sparks, but E can’t help but feel apprehensive about everything. E doesn’t think it’d be a good idea to go further yet he wants to know what it would feel like to be in a relationship.

For one, he already feels stifled. (Can’t agree with you more, S.)

The incessant need to text or talk by X; E needs his alone time, and E feels some people just don’t get that.

E feels like X is already invested and that makes E afraid. E likes to go slowly, and take things at his own pace. X is always so enthusiastic and excitable and E can’t help but play along sometimes. And that makes E even more afraid, because that’s not how E is as a person, and the last thing E wants to do is to lie, and be someone who he is not – and unknowingly hurt X.

It’s not all bad though. E does have a warm and fuzzy feeling about things, but everything is moving a little too fast and at a pace that E is not all too comfortable with. Also, E is scared that things might not turn out well into the future because E thrives being alone. E wonders if it is because he is used to being alone, or that like S, maybe he is just not cut out for this thing called a “relationship”. There must be a reason why E and S were both single for all this time.

The thing E is most uncomfortable with, is all the emotional baggage that comes with relationships. E fervently believes that relationships complicate every aspect of your life, and E is not the kind of person who likes such complications in his life. Instead of worrying whether something he said is going to come out wrong to X; and whether a “no” to meet during a weekend would come across as a rejection and disinterest, E wants to think about life, and his future – with just himself being alone. E doesn’t want to worry about when’s the best time to meet next and whether X would be angry if E didn’t text X everyday.

E wants to go about his day not having a care and worry in the world. E wants to spend time alone walking and wandering through crowds, people watch and wake up and go to sleep not having to say good morning and good night to anyone but his teddy bear. E doesn’t want his life to be complicated by another figure; or at least, E is not sure if he is ready for that, or if he can tolerate that. E doesn’t want to be accountable to anyone else but himself.

E is perplexed and confused, and he isn’t sure where to go with all this.

It has’t even started and it kinda feels like it’s over. E too wonders if he is dysfunctional. E can’t seem to understand the joy couples derive from being in a relationship. And E feels he is never going to know how it would be like. Just like how some of E’s friends don’t understand how E can go out on his own, and window shop or go to a bookstore by himself to read, E feels he will be unable to “get” couples and relationships. E feels restrained by the circumstance he is in and painfully so. Fortunately X can sense a little of this, and X is backing off a little. But E worries that X will never understand E’s need to have his own personal space, which is probably more important than anything else to him. Is it possible to have a relationship but a platonic one?

E is feeling a little lost, and E hates feeling like that. E misses the self-assured E; but the thing E misses the most, is his freedom – in every sense of the word.


6 thoughts on “SHARKS

  1. I cannot describe how misleading the opening quote on sharks was, but after reading the entire post, I must say it turned out to be a very apt quote after all.

    Firstly, congrats on, well, having to go through this experience. As pleasant or unpleasant it is going to be, I think there is still a need to go through things and really decide for yourself using reality as evidence, because if not you’ll always be left wondering and wandering needlessly.

    Maybe you are cut out for this or maybe you are not. What matters is do you want to find out or you want to stick with what has worked for you all this time and not risk taking a fall for nothing.

    Companionship in the form of a potential marriage partner, or a non potential one, whatever, is a notion outdated. We no longer live in the ages where there are unknown dangers lurking in our immediate surroundings and we are defenseless against them and have to band together for protection.

    We now have education, technology, developed societies and autonomy to our own lives. But of course not everyone in mainstream society still feels that way. They still are comforted by the fact that if they follow the social conventions of marriage, they will live a full and happy life. Which I agree, the possibility of a full and happy life. What I don’t agree is that you can’t have it otherwise.

    I don’t know how people find it difficult to understand.

    Many great saints who attained enlightenment in this world didn’t have a relationship with one other human in this world; they have a relationship with the world.

  2. Pardon the earlier comment. I realised I did not give much advice or suggestions because I got carried away with my difficulty in understanding other people’s lack of understanding.

    The thing is, do what you think you want to do in the present. I always ask myself, if I die tomorrow, will I be overwhelmed with regret that I didn’t go do that thing or will I be overwhelmed with relief because I hadn’t spent my last day alive doing that thing. Is the certainty of comfort that strong enough to constitute sufficient relief or will the gravity of curiosity weigh enough to constitute regret.

    Anyhow you choose, I wish you well and hope all goes well!!
    We are like two pathetic funny souls to normal people.
    But I think we are just the victims of some cosmic joke who have been implanted with out-of-this-world thinking.
    It’s okay. I’d like to think we can be really happy victims.

    Go for it, E! Or not! Both works, man.

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